Jalopnik QOTD: What car would your inner asshat drive?

[All credit to the writer and fellow Jalop Desu-San-Desu]


Something BIG and 'BOLD' with giant wheels and chrome everything with a big giant motor that goesRARRBRAGHRARRARRARGH WHAARGAARBLE and pumps out more pollution than a Wisconsin all-you-can-eat buffet. Something with useless oversized exhaust tips and a $1000 brush guard that'll never see anything worse than a loofe and a toothbrush. Something that drinks so much gas the global economy crashes hard than the Hindenburg every time you fill up the tank.

Something with so much jacked-up ground clearance it could run over Kirstie Alley and not even notice. Something with so much overcompensation built into it that even the paintjob has "I'm a grower, not a shower" imprinted into the clear coat. Something so ostentatious and gaudy that even Elton John would look at it and say "That's a bit much." Something with such a massive lift kit that Richard Hammond would have to ask Scotty to beam him up. Something with so much fake chrome the reflections cause global warming on the Sun.

Something so massive the whole of Iceland's male population could not push start it. Something so ridiculously impractical that even Ray Wert can't find a reason to own one. Something with such big tires that it uses Donks for wheel bearings, the Juggernaut's helmet for lug nuts and the engineers hired Slartibartfast to design the tread pattern. Something with such a high hip line that Steve Urkel was seen standing beside it and was arrested for indecent exposure. Something so big it's rear differential makes a bull elephant blush and cross its legs.

Something with such a massively spacious interior that the next Grand Theft Auto game takes place entirely within the passenger all-season floor mat. Something with so much leather inside that they had clone a blue whale twenty-seven times over to cover a single seat. Something with so many buttons and screens inside of it that Captain Jean Luke Picard took one look at it and said "What the fuck am I supposed to do!?" Something with so many man-hours put into its construction that they had to hire Naruto to shadow clone the entire workforce into existence and now he's in a coma.

Something which such a big engine that it's carbon footprint can be seen from Jupiter without a telescope. Something with so many vinyl decals the entire 'The Fast and the Furious' franchise has to ask to borrow some every time they shoot a movie. Something with more cup holders than an Alabama IMAX at happy hour. Something with a sound system so huge the city of Compton called and asked if you could keep it down. Something with enough aftermarket driving lights that when you turn them all on, the Andromeda galaxy thinks the end is nigh.

Something that absotively, posolutely, without a shadow of a glimmer of a whisper of a hint of a rumor of a legend of a myth of an idea of a thought of a doubt just screams "I have calculated my length times my diameter plus the weight over girth divided by the angle of my tip squared and I'm still pissed off!"

So probably a Hummer.